How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
