It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
and you fell through a lawn chair
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
