Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
