Me. At least after what I've been through.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
