And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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