She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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