i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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