i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
