Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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