oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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