There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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