He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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