Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
