Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think my moral compass just broke
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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