On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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