Soap is not a condiment
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
