god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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