why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
