I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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