when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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