I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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