She is in my trunk
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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