The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
