I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
