Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
