does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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