You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Success! We fucked roommates!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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