She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
