i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
