bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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