Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
