I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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