Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
