Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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