he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
