I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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