I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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