I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
do nipples grow back?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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