It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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