HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
