textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
