tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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