I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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