He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
