it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
