Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
