I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
