Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
