so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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