cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
