He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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