Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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