I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
