Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
