too bad you live with your parents still
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
