Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
