I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
