I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
