So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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