After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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